Archive for October, 2009

Let the flames burn



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Alhamdulillah, the long case has ended, and so the panic attack.

2 days before exam:

I already had anticipatory anxiety. Started to have intense fear plus palpitation, shortness of breath, chills, chest tightness, light-headedness and fear of losing control. Yes, these made the DSM IV criteria for panic attack fulfilled. Luckily having panic attack when the exam is approaching is considered normal. Otherwise, I might be diagnosed with panic disorder and hence, a psychiatric patient.

The day of exam:

I was calmer. Much calmer. Thanks to Allah, mak, ayah and friends who had solemnly prayed for me. But…

As expected, I still failed to hide my nervousness.

I locked myself in between the house grill and door, then I realised my set of keys was inside my room.  Luckily my housemates were still at home. *sigh* (I have never been this clumsy before!)

My case was Gestational Diabetes Mellitus with 2 previous Caesarean scars and uterus large for date. Lucky me, i was aiming for GDM! Alhamdulillah, the exam went well apart from given the wrong information by the MO ( T_T ) and  a few stupid mistakes that i would not do outside the exam.

The stupid-ness that I could not forget most was…

“What are the causes of uterus larger than date?”
– Multiple pregnancy, polyhydramnios, macrosomic baby, uterine tumour such as fibroid and… em… (Oh, why i suddenly forgot?)
“Ok, what is the commonest cause of uterus larger than date? Not in her case, but generally.”
– Emm.. (OMG, why I couldn’t recall this?)
“Ok, when was your menses 3 months ago?”
– Emm, mine? (This is weird… ) Em… Yah, I know! (I did not mean the date.)
“Is it easy to remember?”
– No. Em, yaaahh… the commonest cause of uterus larger than date is wrong date. *sigh*

Exam finished at 10.20 am. And I walked out of the room feeling really stupid. I mean, I just wanted to laugh of myself. I know I would have done better if I could get control of myself during the exam. Takpe, Allah Knows BEST.

The nurse that opened the door for me rubbed my back, and shouted to a few other nurses outside. Look at her, she was so anxious! Her hands were cold like ices. And… they all held my hands. Thank you dear nurses. It was really warm! The funny thing was, I did not realise that I was so obviously nervous inside the room until the nurses told me. They then asked me to rest a while, but I just walked fast heading to the waiting room to take my bag. But then I realised, I was heading nowhere! I came back to the nurse and ask, where the room is. And the room was just in front of me! Hurriedly i took my things, but apparently i dropped my things on the floor twice, and my bag got stuck when I walked out through the door.  *blush*

1 hour exam was really like a looooong day.*sigh*

I had tried my best, and I surrender the rest to YOU, the Almighty.

anxiety attack cartoon

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I really have to get a hold onto myself…

Just a little bit more

And it will end soon.

Very SOON.

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There’s a lot of things to regret, but a lot more to be grateful of. All praises be to God, the Creator of this world.

Gratitude of different faculties
by Ibn Qayyim al-Jawziyyah

A man said to Abu Hazim: “What is the gratitude of the eyes?”
He said “If you see good things, you speak about them, and if you see bad things, you keep quiet about it.”

He asked “What is the gratitude of the ears?
He said, “If you hear something good, you accept it, and if you hear something bad, you reject it.

Then he asked “What is the gratitude of the hands?
He said, “Do not take that which does not belong to you and do not hold back from paying the dues of Allah (zakat).

Then he asked, “What is the gratitude of the head?
He said “To have knowledge in it.

Then he asked “What is the gratitude of o­ne’s private parts?
He quoted: “Who guard their private parts, except from those joined to them in the marriage bond, or (the captives) whom their right hands possess – for (in their case) they are free from blame, but those whose desires exceed those limits are transgressors.” (23:5-7)

As for those who o­nly pay lip service to gratitude, and do not give thanks with the rest of their faculties, are concerned, they are like a man who has a garment, and all he does with it is touch it, but he does not put it o­n: it will never protect him from heat, cold, snow or rain.

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